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Wednesday, 15 August 2007

College Information Pack

 It's official.  I'm starting Franklin college in September.  Although I'm enrolling on the 30th of August.

I received an information pack that has a bunch of stuff in.  I'll not go through it, but all I need to know is: 30th August - Enrollment;7th September - Start College.  And there are a varying assortment of random forms and crap to fill in.  I'll find time to do that later... procrastination ftw.

And there's some other stuff in there which I have yet to rummage through.  Probably something important... like... you know: "MUST RETURN ASAP" stuff.  But, oh well.  They never mean it.  It's a fundamental rule of life:

  • When documents say "MUST RETURN ASAP" - they don't really mean it

But this fundamental rule of life is better though:

  • You just don't know where to look when eating a banana in public


Speaking of life and that philosophy crap, I came across this:

    Thirty Basic Rules of Life: 

1. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if
he gets angry, he'll be a mile away and barefoot.

2. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

3. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never

4. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

5. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

6. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

7. I have found at my age going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of my

8. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

9. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

10. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

11. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

12. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.

13. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

14. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

15. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

16. Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.

17. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

18. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

19. Middle age is when broadness of mind and narrowness of waist change

20. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

21. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

22. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

23. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

24. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to
a garage makes you a mechanic.

25. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.

26. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

27. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

28. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real

29. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when
I'm in the bathroom.

30. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never
cease to be amused.
You know... that made more sense than it should have done...

Since Gavin seemed to have fallen off the face of the Earth again (or he hasn't been able to get to the computer - either one; I like my original idea better) I'll carry on with the story for the sake of... carrying on.

Great.  More thinking.  Just what I need at this current moment.  My head's gonna aplode.


We all stood there, unmoving, huddled around the small piece of paper.  The crowd has drawn closer... and closer.  Until they were in touching distance.  I snapped out of shock and asked Yogudima sternly:

'Is this your idea of a joke?!'

His face cringed at the loudness of my voice.  His expression returned to it's horrid, expressionless face and he spoke clearly and acutely.  'No, it is not.  As I said before: I have not seen the plan.'  I snatch it out of Gavin's hands and shove it into his face.  He read intently, his eyes darting back and forth like a ping pong ball.  'I figured it would be this way...'

'Then why did you let us waste our energy and break your f*cking sword?!'  I shouted.  He cringed again.

'I can explain.  We Strogl are less of a... a... planning race and more of a take action race.  We rarely ever think things through.  But in battle, we follow our instincts and many a time they lead us to victory.'

Damn.  He's making sense again.  I can tell that they're brains - if they have them - aren't very big due to the small head atop that abnormally large body.  But yet he can come up with such good reasoning.  Damn him.

I sigh.  Letting all the air out of my lungs, then pulling more in.  I looked down and watched my chest expand and collapse for a few moments.  Everyone was silent.  No one dared move.  You could hear a pin drop.

I raised my head again.  I turned around and spoke to Gavin & Gimely: 'So... what are we to do?'

They shrug, almost apathetically.  Gavin spoke.  'I guess... we could torture him.'

The Gimely butted in.  'But why bother?  Why don't we just kill him?'

'Because, torturing is more fun.  And plus we could probably squeeze some more info out of him.'

'But that's tedious...'

I moved my glance from the on-going discussion to Yogudima.  He looked afraid.  Very afraid.

'-just kill him.'  Gimely finished off.

I stopped the argument at this point.  Gimely and Gavin had done well for thinking on their toes.

'We're going to torture him.  And this is what we're going to do:

  1. Drown him in water until he is almost dead, then pull him out again.  Repeat this a couple times.

  2. Strangle him until he is almost out of breath, but then release our grip.  Repeat.

  3. Slice off each limb separately (I stressed this to the point that is was virtually impossible to stress it any more) while he's still alive.

  4. Stab out an eye, and ear, his tongue.  So he can still see and hear what we are doing.

  5. Then open out his thoracic cavity and slowly remove organs.  Leave vitals until last.

  6. Slice open his scalp and remove the brains.  Leave it connected beside of him.

  7. Have a game where we throw spear at him until he dies...'

By this time, Yogudima had already heard more than enough.  He was sweating bucket loads.  And sweated tanks full when the crowd started agreeing to what I was saying.

He could finally take no more.

'FINE!  FINE!  I'll REVEAL THE PLAN!  JUST DON'T TORTURE AND KILL ME LIKE THAT!'  The crowd stopped it's blood-thirsty, ravenous chant.

I turn around and walk right up to him.  I push my face to his until our noses were mere inches away.  I could feel his heavy breathing.  'Oh?  Finally willing to co-operate now, are we?'


I'm just a devil at thinking up ways to torture people (or in this case: aliens) to death.

This time, for sure, Gavin has to think up the plan.  I feel so evil now...

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